so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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