She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
