i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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