my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
