So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
