If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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