Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Be still, my beating vagina.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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