I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
