im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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