I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
