God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
