I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
