There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
