My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
