Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
