69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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