false alarm. still invincible.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
