Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
