I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize