a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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