Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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