Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
