I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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