i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize