Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
