You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
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