3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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