I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
