I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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