i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
