i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
