I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
