I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
