Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm bleeding and have questions
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
