I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
fuck your aforementioned shoe
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
