Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
