Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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