whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
