Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
