i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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