i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
