I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There's always time for handjobs
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
