Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
is that a dick in a sweater?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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