i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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