walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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