so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
