Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
