she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
