Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize