Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
