When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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