I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
