The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
