I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
