My room smells like vodka and shame
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
