I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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