My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
